So.....I had this slowly dawning feeling that perhaps I hadn't blogged in awhile.
I had no idea it has been nearly 2 months.
That's how busy I've been since taking on a new job and redoubling my efforts professionally and in terms of my chosen sport.
Not much to report.
I slept with a new girl and fortunately it cut itself short before it went anywhere because she's a keeper. The timing isn't right, but I have to marvel at my ability to have landed another quality girl as high value as this one.
As it is, thankfully, it's been placed on hold.
Time will tell.
---
I've reached a point of diminishing returns with my girlfriend.
There's a persistent question you should evaluate occasionally when it comes to any relationship?
How does this person make me feel about myself?
How do I make them feel about themselves?
Am I giving value, am I building them up? Am I working in collaboration?
Am I taking rather than combining?
Physically speaking, she is exactly to a "T" what I like and prefer.
But....the work and the effort and her demanding ways....as my commitment to training and competing is reaching an all-time high...well....the sex just may or may not be worth the emotional drain on my battery.
I have only so much candle wax to melt each day...and we're reaching a tipping point.
She's a keeper in a number of very specific ways, but is demanding as fuck in others....
But honestly what's bothering me...is this feeling of stagnation. I can stay with her and grind out some add'l months on this * month long relationship....or I can cut the ties, go out and forage in the wilderness and hone my skills.
I can be lazy or I can seek adversity.
Maybe it's the Yuengling I'm drinking at 640pm....maybe it's days on end of hard training....maybe it's truth. Maybe it's bullshit.
But I know this discontent....I know this ennui...not the one of simple boredom...but the one that I'm not being honest with myself in some intrinsic capacity.
I don't always notice it at first. It's a yawning whisper....a subtle tugging at your elbow....but enough days in a row....enough days of that simple sense of unavoidable knowing....that wordless voice informing you that you are not doing what you are supposed to be doing in some way.....it becomes deafening.
And with that...I can slowly but inexorably feel the need for some change and some excitement and some darkness creeping back into me.
She's gone.....and the time isn't right. It's Benjamin Button and I honestly will not let us being together hold her back. It's the Adjustment Bureau and us being together will kill her dream potentially and to protect her I have to make that decision for the both of us because she is young and she has the world in front of her and it's not hyperbole, she is special and she has great things lying in wait for her.
--
I went out and got sloppy before my side job the other night, and picked up a phone number from a girl who is a younger, hotter, cuter, more fresh-faced version of my girlfriend and we've talked/texted but my approach has been laconic at best and admittedly, I perhaps waited too long to contact her ADHD teenybopper brain after our initial encounter, but I was still juggling 2 at the time basically and my effort was low.
I've done virtually no approaching in the past 2 months but was legitimately completely busy with 2 girls and so the necessity just wasn't there nor was the simply time constraint.
If you'd told me 5-6 years ago there would be times that sex just wasn't important as other shit I'd have told you that you had lost your mind.
There's been several girls I know through work and otherwise that have given all the signs pointing to yes but the drive on my end just hasn't been there.
--
My schedule is super busy coming up with commitment to work, travel, and competing ......thus chasing pussy just isn't high on the list, barely getting an honorable mention in my thought process and worst not even occurring to me other days. I can't remember the last time I had a few hours to kill at a café and make idle chit chat with a random girl. The last however many times I've been out, I've been with one girl or the other. I've flirted with girls while working my side job but it's not the same.
I haven't been grinding. I haven't been cutting my teeth.
My claws have grown dull. I'm like an aged tiger preying on children and retarded deer in the forest made infirm by laziness and easy meals previously.
I haven't been out to socialize in earnest in nearly 2 weeks and it will be next week before I do so.
I had this older chick really beating down my door and I've finally reached that middle place of age as I'm 3* something....whereby I can still pick up younger-ish girls and I'm not as a divorcee fair game and of interest to older women because they can rationalize my young face with my relationship resume.
----
The weather has just begun to turn. Soon will be the discontent weeknights of less and less single girls out and the quality ones will be by and large bunned up and home watching Redbox or whatever the kids are doing these days.
I haven't watched a whole movie or TV show in a year or more.
I've disconnected from global news. Local news. Virtually all social media unless related to my chosen sport(s) of interest.
I don't miss all that "information".
I don't miss "knowing".
Rather, I'm focused more intensely on the handful of what feels important to me.
All that other shit is just that: shit. It's all fucking white unnecessary bullshit noise.
This is an exciting time. We get to choose our input. We get to choose and select our stimuli in so many ways.
We get to streamline what we put into our brains and hearts and minds and persons.
That need to know. That need to feel plugged in.
It's a manifestation of a need to feel control.
Like the way your mom would worry about shit and nag.
It's an attempt at control.
Let. Go.
Fucking.
Let.
Go.
Buckle up but take your hands off the wheel.
Things will get worse before they get better....but you can find peace on the other side.
I apologize for the lack of posts but I honestly had nothing to say. I was living about as normal a life as I am prone to do: 2 girlfriends and work and training and a bender about once every 2 weeks.
Good luck and happy hunting,
- Yrs. in Christ
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