There Is No Winning/Stop Masturbating

I've started a new experiment. I've been so lackadaisical about approaching women that I'm giving up jerking off. Nothing changes, nothing changes.
When I've done this in the past there have been several outcomes: I've either started approaching hard and/or I've banged an ex-girlfriend. Either way....it leads to putting my dick in a girl rather than lamely jerking off every night before bed or before work or whatever-the-fuck-it-is.
Results to follow.
Masturbating is the video game realm of the sex politick.
More on that later.
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There is no winning.
There is no defeat.

There is no end to the journey.

I'll tell you some of what led to my leaving my marriage.

My life was becoming the act of collecting of things. My life had become masturbation. Temporary gratification at the cost of evolution, change, progress, anything.

I began to play video games.
I got high after work.
I got high before going to my 2nd job.
I got high immediately after getting off my 2nd job.
I got high to sleep.
I got high to go back to sleep.

I picked up another job.
It was time to get the perfect armchair.
We needed more appliances.
I started watching seasons of TV shows.
We constantly discussed money and how to get more of it.
We always needed more things. More stuff.
My version of living was always waiting for some other time or some other escape through whatever.

Look back over that list.
When I lay on my death bed....will I wish I had devoted a single minute more of time to those activities or my pile of shit?

My life now?

I sleep on a mattress on the floor.
I have a comforter and pillow. It is green.
My clothes are stacked semi-neatly nearby by type: dress shirts, jeans, T-Shirts, et cetera.
I don't have cable or internet at my apartment.

It is also free and uncluttered.
My day revolves around the pursuit of work and one central interest to which I devote myself 5-6 days a week.
I sleep better than I have slept in my entire life.
I don't think I slept this well when I was a child.

You  must stop looking to that day when whatever it is you're pursuing is found.
You have to cease waiting for something to make you content.
There is no end.
You can find the end.
You can fill your day with shit that everyone else does.
You can stuff yourself until you're gravid, swollen, bloated...but you will not be full.
I pity those that never find that one pursuit that eclipses everything else in their life.

I got divorced because it felt like the endgame.
It felt like arriving at the ocean, standing in the sand for 20 minutes, remembering I hate the fucking beach, and blowing my fucking brains out.

What is your life?
Being bitched at by your wife?
Walking on egg shells to avoid arguments.
Virtually killing bytes on a screen while unlocking "accomplishments".
Masturbating to virtual sex to dull the pain of the juicy ass you see at the check-out line at the supermarket where you buy canned meat and what passes for break before you down a 12 pack of beer and dull your nerves enough to approach some girl who's mid-text conversation with her ex and 3 other guys from either a) work b) the bar last week or c) both a. and b.

This is the point: stop masturbating. Stop doing it sexually. Stop doing it with your free time. Stop playing fucking video games. Stop watching seasons of imaginary people doing imaginary shit more interesting than your daily life. As long as you live vicariously through them and watch and enjoy you will slink back into your acceptance of the same fucking grind deep in the bee hive and one day you'll wake up and you're 45 and you hate your wife and you hate your kids and you hate your job but....you're trapped. You're comfortable. And that is where they really get you. The cage that doesn't feel like a cage.
That is the most dangerous trap of all. You have all the booze and the painkillers and the porn you need to plod along one half-conscious day at a time and when the ennui or the soul pain gets too piercing, you can numb it away, find oblivion in blackout, or jerk off to get a nice little shot of endorphins.


You can cum on the faces(your laptop) of a thousand chicks.
And will all that wasted seed amount to anything?
You can kill a thousand online players in Battlefield or whatever-the-fuck-it-is.
Will that amount to anything?
Will it teach you anything about yourself?
You can dull yourself with alcohol a thousand days and at the end of it, will you know yourself any better?
Stop using it as a crutch.
Be uncomfortable.
You think motherfuckers were comfortable sailing for the horizon wondering if they'd run out of water, food, or drown/get eaten by sharks if not enslaved?

We live in a time of unparalleled opportunity if ONLY we will reach out and grab it.
But we've been taught to avoid risk. To always plan....to plan so long that we never act.
We've been taught there's a pill for everything that ails us.
Stop imagining your life as you wish it was....and stopping there.
Nothing changes, nothing changes.

Compliment a stranger once a day.
Do something for someone else anonymously.
Go out of your way to help someone.
Act.
Do.
Believe.
Hope.
Pursue.

   - Yrs. in Christ